LUV - I fucking hate the internet sometimes. It’s ruined everything I love. It’s ruined calling people a dick - now, whenever you call someone a dick, someone from BBC Three comes round your house and bellows the word ‘TROLL’ through your letterbox until their camera crew get cold and go home. It’s ruined You’ve Been Framed - now I’ll never earn £250 from filming myself fall over at a wedding because everyone’s too busy watching monkey blowjobs on YouTube for free.
But worst of all - worst of everything - the internet has ruined bacon.
Bacon used to be brilliant. Magical, even. It was always there for you, no matter what. If you couldn’t face up to eating another lonely tin of warmed up beans in front of the telly in your horrible little bedsit, you could fry up a couple of slices of bacon, put the bacon on top of the beans and - BANG - immediate feast. If you wanted to impress a woman, but couldn’t cook to save your life, you just had to wrap some bacon around a chicken breast and - POW - immediate declaration of love. Feeling fancy? Bacon sandwich. Feeling SUPER fancy? Bacon cheesewich with a fried egg in it. Bacon was so easy to cook that you’d barely ever get food poisoning from it, not like those dicks pork and bivalve molluscs. God, bacon was magnificent.
Not any more, though. Not since the internet came along and reduced bacon to a punchline. A shit, lazy punchline used by the least funny people in the world; the sort of people who say ‘Nom’ and ‘LOL’ out loud and think badgers are inherently funny and wear chinos and still think that phonetically writing text messages like a fucking Lolcat is something that someone in their twenties should still acceptably do. I’m talking about you here. Literally you. You make me sick, you whimsical internet dickhead. You appalling fucking empty-spectacle-wearing, Moomin-liking, Seven-Dials-shopping, Time-Out-reading cupcake-eating social media BMX perpetually adolescent internet cunt.
You’ve ruined bacon. It was your ironic love of bacon that caused a flood of shitty bacon merchandise, like bacon-flavoured lollipops and bacon-flavoured dental floss and bacon soap and bacon jellybeans and bacon fudge and bacon cupcakes and bacon toys and bacon milkshakes and bacon T-shirts with the phrase ‘I HEART BACON LOL’ written across it in bacon, that has completely devalued bacon as a food in its own right. You made it impossible for me to go into a shop and buy some bacon without thinking “What if people see me buy this? Will they think I’m one of those internet bacon cunts?” And I will hate you forever for it.
But I still believe in you, bacon. I still believe in your deliciousness and versatility. I still love you on your own terms. I will love you until I die. Which, let’s face it, might be quite soon. You’re bacon, after all.
- Stuart Heritage
"You whimsical internet dickhead"
"Internet bacon cunts"
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